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The Holy Scriptures of the Church of Adrian Smith

Who is Adrian Smith? Why, if you have to ask, then it's already too late: Adrian Smith small smite you, worm!

These scriptures were written by the four leaders of the Church of Adrian Smith. After each verse, the prophets responsible for the revelation is credited in parentheses. Our leaders are:

Book One: Words of Wisdom.
Adrian Smith is Maiden's best singer. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is Maiden's best guitarist. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is also Maiden's best drummer and bassist. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is larger than you. (SMX)
Adrian Smith can crush a man with his bare hands. (SMX)
Adrian Smith can leap tall buildings in a single bound. (SMX)
Adrian Smith can barbeque a chicken to blissful perfection. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is the bomb, y'all. (SMX)
Adrian Smith can chew through cars with his shiny metal teeth. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is the king of the mullet; kneel and worship! (SMX)
Adrian Smith has been known to level whole forests just by sneezing. (SMX)
Adrian Smith could kick Elvis's ass. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is the future. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is half man, half beast, and half Italian. (SMX)
Adrian Smith can speak 27 languages, including 4 that no one else knows. (SMX)
Adrian Smith has lived for over 4,000 years, and is actually his own grandfather. (SMX)
Adrian Smith eats lesser guitarists for breakfast, with toast and orange juice. (SMX)
Adrian Smith's guitar is gonna kill your momma. (SMX)
Adrian Smith has a vacation home on Mars. (SMX)
Adrian Smith invented the wheel. (SMX)
Adrian Smith holds the world land speed record. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is so cool, he doesn't care about anything. (SMX)
Adrian Smith actually invented both the electric guitar and the microphone. (Mav)
Adrian Smith taught the early hominids to speak, then, centuries later, to sing. (Mav)
Adrian Smith invented God just so he'd have someone intelligent to talk to, and someone who plays guitar just as well. (LC)
Adrian Smith created the sun so it can shine on him when he plays guitar. (Perun)
Adrian Smith will one day strike down the human race, evolve fins, and teach the whales how to solo. (LC)
Adrian Smith actually guided Alexander the Great in his conquests, promising him to get a friend of his to write a song about it a few centuries later. (Mav)
Adrian Smith is my shepherd; I shall not want. (SMX)
Adrian Smith designed the human brain on a cocktail napkin at a bar while waiting to be served a shot of rum. (SMX)
Adrian Smith came up with the shape of the continents when he had a dish of mashed potatoes with sauce. (Perun)
Adrian Smith created air accidentally, water while bored, and life while sleeping. (LC)
Adrian Smith created the cow so he could have a steak whenever he wants to and the mad cow disease so nobody would eat it away from him. (Perun)
Adrian Smith once piled up the rocks from his back yard in the Egyptian desert and out came the Pyramids. (Perun)
Adrian Smith freed the slaves by building them an underground railroad; at the same time, he singlehandedly ended the Franco-Prussian War by forcing the French Army to surrender with a single guitar note. (LC)
Adrian Smith killed Goliath by stretching out his little finger. Then he killed David because that loser was claiming he did it. (Perun)
To date, Adrian Smith has rung 3,452,093 bells, giving 3,452,093 angels their wings. (LC)
Adrian Smith created Greenland so he could have an endless reserve of ice cubes for his drinks. (Perun)
Adrian Smith created Bruce Dickinson, so he could have a singer matching his godly guitar-playing and someone to write great songs with. (Mav)
Adrian Smith created the dinosaurs because he wanted some nice toys to play with. Then he destroyed them because they kept trampling on his guitar. (Perun)
Adrian Smith is the universal constant of gravity. He can also calculate pi to the trillionth decimal place. (LC)
Adrian Smith created the circle. He also created Pi to piss off mathematicians who try to analyze his creation. (Perun)
Adrian Smith created EVERY geometrical shape. (Mav)
Adrian Smith loves all his creations equally, except for n00bs, who he shuns. (LC)
Adrian Smith is judge, jury, and executioner, and you will throw yourself at the mercy of this court! (LC)
A statue of Adrian Smith of ivory and gold was built in Olympia. (Perun)
[Michelangelo's 'David'] is basically a portrait of Adrian Smith too, (Perun)
[Michelangelo] was told by Adrian Smith himself to reduce the size of his humongous willy out of mercy for the men who are not so well-endowed (and not to make the horses cry out in jealousy). (Mav)
When Adrian Smith is bored, he rescues kittens who are stuck in trees, and gives the credit to the local fire station. (LC)
Adrian Smith is the CEO of every major corporation. These corporations are evil because Adrian just likes to play guitar out back. (LC)
Adrian Smith created the poles so he would have something to write "Stranger In A Strange Land" about. (Perun)
Adrian Smith is also responsible for the creation of poles, so that early man might use lodestones to find north. (LC)
Adrian Smith is also responsible for the creation of Poles, so that the rest of the world can make jokes about them. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is also responsible for the creation of polls, like this one proclaiming his proclaiming his bad-ass-motherfucker-ness. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is also responsible for the creation of holes where he can put poles, Poles and polls in if he desires. (Perun)
Adrian Smith enjoys being worshipped, and will reduce no one's post count for proclaiming his bad-ass-motherfucker-ness. (LC)
Adrian Smith is in iced tea, that's why I'm addicted to it. (Perun)
Adrian Smith invented the pet rock. (LC)
Adrian Smith is the master of his domain. (SMX)
Adrian Smith keeps the Beast of Revelation in a small hut in his front yard. (Perun)
Adrian Smith is an excellent driver. (SMX)
Adrian Smith conquered Siberia one afternoon when he had nothing to do. (Perun)
Adrian Smith has won 54 Oscars under various aliases such as Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg. (LC)
Adrian Smith placed the great 'H' on the Hollywood Hills, but the people there were too stupid to recognize it's meaning and placed the 'OLLYWOOD' behind it. (Perun)
Adrian Smith completed the Twelve Labours of Hercules in one afternoon with one hand tied behind his back. (LC)
Adrian Smith painted himself all blue and balanced a mountain on his right pinky so the ladies would have protection from the rain. (Perun)
Adrian Smith introduced the Euro so he could have new pieces for his endless numismatic collection. (Perun)
Adrian Smith built the Tower of Babel so he could piss off humanity with a huge, useless thing that would get them in trouble. (Perun)
Adrian Smith has been the Emperor of Rome, the King of Britain, the General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party, and an outlaw in Peru. (LC)
Adrian Smith created the forests so he would always have a place for a leak. (Perun)
You must be at least this tall to ride Adrian Smith. (LC)
Due to the fact that rock and roll runs through his very blood, Adrian Smith is a world-renowned expert in both seismology and rotational dynamics. (SMX)
Adrian Smith will make you an offer you can't refuse. (SMX)
Adrian Smith can make the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is mad as hell, and he's not going to take this anymore. (SMX)
I believe Adrian Smith has my stapler. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is gonna get medieval on your ass. (SMX)
Every time a bell rings, Adrian Smith gets his wings. (SMX)
Adrian Smith ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. (SMX)
How is Adrian Smith funny? Like a clown? What is so funny about Adrian Smith? What the FUCK is so funny about Adrian Smith? (SMX)
Adrian Smith loves the smell of napalm in the morning. (SMX)
The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Adrian Smith. The second rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Adrian Smith! (SMX)
Frankly, my dear, Adrian Smith doesn't give a damn. (SMX)
Adrian Smith has been known to make carpets fly, snakes dance and ropes climb into the sky with a movement of his little finger while chilling on a bed of nails. (Perun)
Adrian Smith is drawing nearer, on a leather steed he rides, he comes to take your life. Onto the dead of night, Adrian Smith rides, so choose your fate and die! (LC)
Adrian Smith based the entire Hercule Poirot series of mysteries on his life experiences. (LC)
Adrian Smith will show you no fear, show you no pain. (LC)
The Adrian Smith barrier is what rocket and aeroplane designers aim to break. (Perun)
Adrian Smith has prosecuted murderers in all five boroughs of New York City. (LC)
Adrian Smith threw some wet clay around and out came the first man. (Perun)
Adrian "Wild H" Smith and his cohorts Steve "Calamity 'Arry" Harris, "Buffalo" Bruce Dickinson and Nicko "Mad Pistols" McBrain used to hold up stagecoaches in the wild west. (LC)
Adrian Smith has cornered the world market for flour tortillas and yo-yos. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is a master architect, and designed most of Europe's greatest cathedrals. (SMX)
Adrians Smith's brain is so large that it violates twelve local zoning laws. (SMX)
Adrian Smith has won single-handed the Battle of Britain, making the "Few" so few that he was actually the only one. (Mav)
Adrian Smith was the voice of cartoon legend Woody Woodpecker. And that's his real laugh, which he still uses to this day. (SMX)
Adrian Smith singlehandedly defeated the entire elite French cavalry with his longbow at the Battle of Agincourt. (LC)
Adrian Smith has produced seven sons and seven daughters who in turn produced seven sons and seven daughetrs, and they populated the earth. (Perun)
Adrian Smith was the first man to circumnavigate the globe, accomplishing the deed in 376 B.C. on a flying carpet he picked up in an ancient Egyptian pawnshop. (SMX)
Adrian Smith holds all sports records. (LC)
Adrian Smith has carried the Olympic Torch from Athens to anywhere. Sorta like the mail, but with a smile. (LC)
Adrian Smith invented the iron maiden as a torture device in the Middle Ages. That's why Steve had to let him join the band. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is the only Englishman to win both the mens and womens Wimbleton titles. (LC)
This is Adrian Smith's world; we just live in it. (SMX)
Adrian Smith can't be fought; Adrian Smith can't be sought. (SMX)
Jesus Christ was not crucified. He was Smithed. The Bible just tones things down. (LC)
Adrian Smith is the only human alive who could do a "Donald Duck" and not get in trouble. That is, not wearing pants, but wrapping a towel around his waist after showering. (LC)
Adrian Smith is a babe in the black abyss; similarly, he's a god, why can't he live on? (LC)
Adrian Smith was the real-life model for the character of Studebaker Hawk in the Frank Zappa song "Billy The Mountain". (SMX)
Adrian Smith invents and taste-tests all new types of beer, ale, and stout. (LC)
Adrian Smith is the Alpha and Omega. (Mav)
Adrian Smith has no beginning and no end. (Mav)
Adrian Smith is my shepherd. (Mav)
Adrian Smith rules the world, only most people don't know it. (Perun)
Adrian Smith is not a great guitarist with a unique style, he made great guitarists and he made style. (Perun)
Adrian Smith is the answer to all questions. (Perun)
Adrian Smith is the question to all answers. (Perun)
We puny mortals will never see Adrian Smith face-to-face till judgement day. (Perun)
Adrian Smith's solo on "Stranger In A Strange Land" is what the sun shone for all these years. (Perun)
Adrian Smith outshines God. (Perun)
Adrian Smith created the Universe so he would have a place to play guitar. (Perun)
Adrian Smith will never die. The world will die around him. (Perun)
Adrian Smith is the King of the Beasts. (SMX)
Adrian Smith's guitar playing makes young women smile and grown men cry. (SMX)
Adrian Smith has seven college degrees, in subjects so advanced you've never heard of them. (SMX)
Adrian Smith can write the Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin. (SMX)
Adrian Smith has a photographic memory and superb reflexes. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is larger than life itself. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is a highly skilled Olympic-level pole vaulter who has broken the world record in his backyard just for fun ... but he doesn't compete because it's just a hobby for him. (SMX)
Adrian Smith can calculate pi to three thousand decimal places in under forty seconds. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is overqualified. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is the prototype for a clone army which he keeps hidded in the Scottish highlands, just in case. When George Lucas stole this idea for a bad movie, Adrian Smith ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. (SMX)
Adrian Smith makes the homies say "Ho!" and the girlies wanna scream. (SMX)
Adrian Smith knows unknown cures for unknown diseases. (Perun)
Adrian Smith is Alpha and Omega. (Perun)
Adrian Smith creates Tsunamis by spitting into the sea. (Perun)
Adrian Smith makes the doomsday clock strike midnight. (Perun)
Adrian Smith knows the complete works of James Joyce by heart. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is the secret leader of the Illuminati. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is legally a sovreign nation. (SMX)
Adrian Smith has six toes on each foot. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is so popular that even the Alpha-Draconians love him. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is the single-handed founder of every university in North America. (LC)
Adrian Smith created my midterms. (LC)
Adrian Smith created TAs so he wouldn't have to mark my midterms. (LC)
Adrian Smith loves you, no matter your sins. (LC)
Adrian Smith gave the moon a child. (Perun)
Adrian Smith is an infinite dream. (Perun)
Adrian Smith can play with madness. (Perun)
Adrian Smith makes the evil that men do live on. (Perun)
Adrian Smith created Satan so that people would diss Maiden, bringing more publicity for the band. (Mav)
Adrian Smith has the best guitar face. (SMX)
Adrian Smith has the best guitar solos. (SMX)
Adrian Smith has the best thing since sliced bread hidden in his guest bedroom. (SMX)
Adrian Smith built a cold fusion reactor to power his amplifiers. (SMX)
Adrian Smith can climb Mt. Everest with both hands tied behind his back. (SMX)
Adrian Smith carries out covert operations for British Intelligence in his spare time. (SMX)
Adrian Smith did not invent the telephone, but he invented the telephone number. (SMX)
Adrian Smith cooks perfect omelets. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is the world checkers champion. (SMX)
Adrian Smith was the real-life inspiration for Homer's character Odysseus. (SMX)
Adrian Smith has a secret laboratory on the moon where he cooks up strange chemicals. (SMX)
There's a party in Adrian Smith's pants, and you're all invited. (SMX)
Adrian Smith rules out all possibilities. (Perun)
Adrian Smith is no compromise. (Perun)
Adrian Smith is pro and con. (Perun)
Adrian Smith counters every rebuttal. (Perun)
Adrian Smith is shadow and light. (Perun)
Adrian Smith invented the secret formula for Coca-Cola. (SMX)
Adrian Smith created snow, just so he could write his name in it. (SMX)
Adrian Smith invented the guitar pick in 492 B.C. He then had to invent the guitar to make his guitar picks useful. (SMX)
Adrian Smith can write computer programs in C, C++, C#, C@*$@! and the legendary Brainfuck. (SMX)
Adrian Smith can tap-dance nonstop for 37 consecutive hours. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is the (uncredited) voice of the talking dog Brian on the cartoon Family Guy. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is a law unto himself. (SMX)
Adrian Smith wrote The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy about his life as Ford Prefect. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith invented the towel. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith wrote all Monty Python movies. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith had a part in everything. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith once ate yellow snow but decided it wasn't suitable. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith played all characters in Casablanca. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith got annoyed with people stepping on his plants and invented cactuses. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith can sail across the world without a boat. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith is an excellent card-player. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith's number is 1332, twice the beast's. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith doesn't have to try to get 100 replies to his posts. (Shadow)
Adrian Sm�th compiled the Oxford Dictionary of English during an English class in school. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith's favourite pencil thickness is 0.7. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith invented algebra when he was bored of numbers. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith constructed the Roman number system when he was learning the alphabet. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith was first to find use of electricity. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith poured the syrup into maples. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith discovered every chemical element 1732 BC, but keeps some secret for fun. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith is a mystical old bard on his journey through the dark. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith provided Hansi Kursch with the above words. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith is an outstanding architect. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith invented sunglasses. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is an authorized architect. (SMX)
Adrian Smith gave Gutenberg the idea to build the first European printing press. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is the cause of continental drift. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is an award-winning tuba soloist. (SMX)
Adrian Smith cans his own vegetables every October. (SMX)
Adrian Smith has reflexes so fast that they occasionally break the laws of physics. (SMX)
Adrian Smith was the first human being to score a hole-in-one in golf. (SMX)
Adrian Smith has never made a single spelling or grammatical error. (SMX)
Adrian Smith is the ___-man in all cartoon heroes. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith is the air you breathe. (Mav)
When you wake up at night sweaty, it was the power of Adrian Smith. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith never sleeps, although he created sleep and is responsible for every dream. (Mav)
Adrian Smith brings nightmares onto people who for some reason annoy him. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith has climbed every single mountain while playing his guitar and writing songs. (Mav)
Adrian Smith knows good sex and is not afraid to ask. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith wrote the Kama Sutra but left out the best parts to keep them a secret of his own. A woman who has had sex with Adrian Smith will never want any other partner. (Mav)
Adrian Smith wrote the Kalevala, Doomsday Book and Nibelungenlied. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith dreams. His dream is what we call our reality. The universe only exists because of Him and will disappear when he's tired of dreaming. (Mav)
Adrian Smith will never stop dreaming because he's the ultimate Nice Guy. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith is the root of all evil, as well as infinite goodness. (Mav)
Adrian Smith knows by heart every single line of every single Shakespeare play. Well, it's not surprising, as he wrote them all. (Mav)
Adrian Smith also wrote the works of Christopher Marlowe, who is by some scholars the real author of Shakespeare. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith has a holiday house on the dark side of the moon. (Mav)
Adrian Smith has a summer residence on Maiden Islands. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith wrote the Torah, the Bible and the Koran, and translated them all in every language spoken on the planet. He did this as he was bored one Sunday morning that the weather was bad. (Mav)
Adrian Smith also wrote all commentaries and arguments on these scriptures when he got bored one day. There was noone else but himself who would dare to argue with him. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith is the peace and the argument, the conflict and its solution, the pros and cons. (Mav)
Adrian Smith is the ups and downs, the back and forth, the nitty gritty and the helter skelter. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith has influenced all the great thinkers in History, from Plato to Stephen Hawking. (Mav)
Adrian Smith has influenced all the great revolutionaries in history, from Spartacus to Sid Vicious. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith was there at the dawn of mankind to lead the species to enlightenment. Stanley Kubrick represented him as a monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey. (Mav)
Adrian Smith gave fire to Mankind, then blamed Prometheus. He gave them knowledge, then blamed Lucifer. He gave them stupidity, then blamed the IMBB. (Mav)
Adrian Smith is the ugliest being that has ever lived, as well as the most beautiful. (Mav)
Adrian Smith can eat a double cheese burger with extra sauce without getting his fingers dirty. (Mav)
Adrian Smith knows but keeps secret the solution of the Riemann hypothesis. (Shadow)
Adrian Smith created the elements of the periodic table. He invented the periodic table itself. He even invented Mendeleiev because he was too humble to take the credit for all this. (Mav)
Adrian Smith is the only human being to be able to scratch his arse with his nose. (Mav)
Adrian Smith comes as the famous Campbell canned food. Until now, Andy Warhol was the only person who realized it. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith invented the flushing toilet and gave the credit to his friend Thomas Crapper. (Mav)
Adrian Smith shall strike down the false prophets. Only those who have shown him loyalty can contribute to the Work of H. (LC)
Adrian Smith is the energy released from a split atom. (LC)
Adrian Smith is not like the others, Adrian Smith just doesn't belong. Can you figure out who is Adrian Smith by the time I'm finished this song? (LC)
Adrian Smith created the stars, planets, nebulae and the Milky Way. Then he gave people bad telescopes so they can see their true beauty. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith has an extra knuckle on the pinkie of his left hand. (Mav)
Adrian Smith is just around the corner. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith swims three times around the British Isles before breakfast. (Mav)
Adrian Smith invented, and is responsible for the downfall of, apartheid. (LC)
Adrian Smith is the Adrian Smith of all Adrian Smiths. (Mav)
Adrian Smith is impersonal. At the same time he is capable of absolute insight and empathy. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith made questions a burden and answers a prison. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith creates 6 new forms of life around the universe before breakfast. (Mav)
When Adrian Smith goes on vacation, everything freezes. Not a hair shed, not a leaf blown away. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith invented the ironing board. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith can give any woman the best orgasm of her life by playing only one chord on his guitar. (Mav)
Adrian Smith can use his heavy hammer to break out of any dead-end situation. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith dug Lake Bodom one evening after tea so the children could go and have fun. (Mav)
Adrian Smith collected the tears from all soap operas and turned them into Dead Sea. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith is a drink when you're thirsty, food when you're hungry, a hot partner when you're horny. (Mav)
Adrian Smith is fresh water for the soul, food for thought and fire to the heart. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith is the irrepressible urge to fart when you're stuck in a lift with a gorgeous representant of the opposite sex. (Mav)
Adrian Smith came before the chicken and the egg. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith invented buttered bread. (Mav)
Adrian Smith is the grass on the other side. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith is both the most pointless and the most significant thing in the universe and beyond. (Mav)
Adrian Smith is a pop-up window and an online encyclopedia at the same time. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith is the cup of coffee you need to properly wake up in the morning. (Mav)
Adrian Smith is a nice quick walk with furious metal in your headphones. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith knows the recipe of roasted human meat in tin foil. (Mav)
Adrian Smith is known for saving the suicidal at the last minute and convincing them to enjoy life again. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith hates Wednesdays. (Mav)
Adrian Smith is in fact each one of the three famous German composers: Felix, Mendelssohn, as well as Bartholdy. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith is afraid of Virginia Woolf and for him the bell tolls. (Charlotte)
Adrian Smith is waiting for Godot. (Mav)

Book Two: Extended Parables, for advanced students.

Q : Why did Adrian Smith cross the road?
A : Because he damn well felt like it, and who's gonna stop him - you?? You haven't got what it takes, bubba! Adrian Smith will wipe the floor with your pansy ass! COME GET SOME!! (SMX)

Adrian Smith built Rome on one day. But he did it so bad that the Germanic tribes could eventually destroy it.
Just kidding, he did a magnificent job on it and destroyed it himself when he got bored with it. (Perun)

Adrian Smith wrote the Torah, then found it funny and carried on with the Bible and the Koran. The Bible became an all-time best-seller, only to be challenged some centuries later by Bram Stoker's Dracula (which Adrian Smith also wrote as a ghost-writer). (Mav)

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Adrian Smith!
Adrian Smith who?
What do you mean, "Adrian Smith who"?! You're supposed to open the door, roll out the carpet, get down on your knees and serve him nectar and ambrosia you unworthy bastard! (Perun)

Adrian Smith invented the compact disc.
He didn't really mean to do it; he was just bored one day, and it happened. That's the kind of guy Adrian Smith is - he's so f*ckin' brilliant, he comes up with inventions without even trying. (SMX)

Without Adrian Smith, we wouldn't have an Internet.
Why, you ask?
Well, when Adrian Smith was a top-secret spy back in the 60s, he stole secret Soviet espionage equipment (that he had invented in the 50s as a Soviet scientist) and then in the 70s as a computer researcher at NASA expanded that technology to connect all the Mission Control computers so he could use a joystick to fly the space shuttles in the 80s.
All this while never spilling a drop from his pint. (LC)

Adrian Smith discovered the American continent in 1537bc, but kept it quiet until some prat came across it in 1492. He'd managed to shut up Erik the Red about it before (by convincing him that England was a much better place), but couldn't prevent the Spaniard to shout his mouth off, claiming he'd reached India by the West. (Mav)

Adrian Smith hooked up with Helen of Troy and then claimed Paris did it because he hated Troy. He then proceeded to destroy Troy all by himself because he got fed up by the Greeks camping outside for ten years. He later allowed Homer to claim the Greeks did it because he is so merciful. (Perun)

Adrian Smith wrote the poem Rime of the Ancient Mariner after assuming Samuel Taylor Colridge's identity. Other works attributable to Adrian Smith include The Hobbit, the first Babylonian Code of Laws, the Rosetta Stone, every letter written during World War 2, the Theory of Relativity, and everything ever relating to Sherlock Holmes. (LC)

Adrian Smith permits no dissent. That's why he invented the most terrible torture device known to man, the COMFY CHAIR.
So be careful with what you say, or Adrian Smith will turn his guitar up so loud your ears will bleed. You'll bleed to death listening to Adrian Smith, and you"ll love it! You'll be screaming, "THANK YOU MASTER, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?"
Let us pray:
Our father, who art in England, Adrian be thy name... (SMX)

Truly, Adrian Smith is merciful! He is kind to others, caring and giving. In Adrian Smith's orphan house, the orphan boys recieve some more. In Adrian Smith's country, incomes are high and golf scores are low. If Adrian Smith gives you a present, you'll likely explode from gratitude. (LC)

Adrian Smith is directly responsible for the creation of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, the Seven Wonders of the Modern World, and the Seven Wonders of the Natural World.
Wonders to Adrian Smith's credit: 21.
Wonders to your credit: 0. (LC)

Although you don't know it, Adrian Smith has saved the human race from space invaders, the Huns, the Mongols, space invaders, and the Nazis.
On his to do list:
Save the world from bush*, AIDS, cancer, and anime. (LC)

Adrian Smith wrote all of Shakespeare's plays and poetry over one drunken weekend. He allowed Shakespeare to take the credit because by the time the plays/poems were published, Adrian Smith was already away becoming the first person to swim across the Pacific Ocean (during which process he discovered Hawaii). (SMX)

One day Adrian Smith was pissed off because he didn't manage to find a good riff so he kicked all the rocks he saw and out came the Himalayans.
Seriously, Adrian Smith wasn't pissed off. He always finds a good riff. He kicked the stones around for fun. (Perun)

While traveling in Asia one day, Adrian Smith decided to go for a walk on the beach. During his walk, he accidentally stepped on a sand castle, crushing it completely. The locals who witnessed this event were filled with awe. This story soon passed into local legend, and eventually became the story of Godzilla.
Adrian Smith is similarly responsible for the origins of several other creatures, including the Loch Ness Monster, the Abominable Snowman, La Chupacabra, Jaws, and the Blob. (SMX)

Adrian Smith only uses his gig in Maiden as a smoke-screen to hide his real plans from the rest of the world: a complete takeover of the Illuminati, followed the world's financial institutions, then the schools, then the governments. Why is Adrian Smith taking over the world? To hypnotize us with the music of a reunited Urchin, of course! Why else?!?
In fact, Adrian Smith has nearly completed his takeover. Witness the state of this board! The only government resisting Adrian Smith is the USA, because bush* is too dim-witted to understand the power of Adrian Smith. But do not fear, for Adrian Smith has complete control over John Kerry and will soon re-carve Mount Rushmore in his own image. (SMX)

Adrian Smith, despite his awesome power, is still humble at heart and a true music lover. This is why he allowed "H" to be the 8th letter of the alphabet; he was willing to sacrifice his personal glory and placed the letters ABCDEFG, used for naming chords in music, ahead of his own letter.
But rest assured, if it hadn't been for music, our alphabet would have started with "H"! (SMX)

Earlier today, I had a vision in which Adrian Smith told me the secret meaning of the universe:
"Time is just an abstract concept created by carbon-based life forms to monitor their ongoing decay."
While I can't deny the logic of that statement, I don't see what it has to do with the secret meaning of the universe. However, my failure to understand the wisdom of Adrian Smith is only more proof of the superiority of Adrian Smith. (SMX)

The Church of Adrian Smith needs new members! Sign up today and here's what you'll get: * A six-foot cardboard cutout of Adrian Smith for your bedroom. I'd call it life-size, but the true size of Adrian Smith is beyond measure.
* A tape loop of "Reach Out", so you can listen to Adrian Smith in all his glory non-stop.
* A children's book to teach your children the Adrian Smith alphabet: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
* A pair of rusty scissors to give yourself an Adrian Smith mullet haircut.
* Plus, free of charge, we'll wash your brain until it's squeaky-clean - just the way Adrian Smith likes it!
To join, send $500.00 US funds to The Church of Adrian Smith c/o SinisterMinisterX, Denver CO. All funds go to building our chapel. I promise I won't spend them on the digital camera I want. Really. (SMX)

Adrian Smith can be ruthless with his enemies, but also magnanimous with those who lost their way in this great universe He's created.
The followers of Bruce are smiled at and looked upon with mercy, like little children who lost their direction. (Mav)

The Oath to Adrian Smith (from the Liber Smithekh):
Adrian Smith, Thee I invoke, the Bornless One.
Adrian Smith, Thee, that didst create the Earth and the Heavens.
Adrian Smith, Thee, that didst create the Night and the Day.
Adrian Smith, Thee, that didst create the darkness and the Light.
Adrian Smith Thou art ASAR UN-NEFER ("Myself made Perfect"):
Whom no man hath seen at any time.
Adrian Smith Thou art IA-BESZ ("the Truth in Matter").
Adrian Smith Thou art IA-APOPHRASZ ("the Truth in Motion").
Adrian Smith Thou hast distinguished between the Just and the Unjust.
Adrian Smith Thou didst make the Female and the Male.
Adrian Smith Thou didst produce the Seeds and the Fruit.
Adrian Smith Thou didst form Men to love one another, and to hate one another. (Mav)

Purchase your own Adrian Smith now, for only $14.95!
* Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Adrian Smith.
* Caution: Adrian Smith may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
* Adrian Smith contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
* Do not use Adrian Smith on concrete.
Discontinue use of Adrian Smith if any of the following occurs:
* Itching
* Vertigo
* Dizziness
* Tingling in extremities
* Loss of balance or coordination
* Slurred speech
* Temporary blindness
* Profuse sweating
* Heart palpitations
If Adrian Smith begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
Adrian Smith may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, Adrian Smith should be returned to his special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Adrian Smith, Iron Maiden Holdings Ltd., and its parent company Sanctuary World Domination Inc., of any and all liability.
Ingredients of Adrian Smith include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
Do not taunt Adrian Smith.
Adrian Smith comes with a lifetime guarantee.
"Adrian Smith - accept no substitutes!" (SMX)

Adrian Smith has never appeared in a theatrically-released film. Why? Because the awesome might of his mere presence would burn the celluloid into ash! Only home video media can withstand the infinite coolness of Adrian Smith. (SMX)

H is the TrutH and the LigHt and the Ways and the Means and the Treble and the Bass and the Unleaded and the Diesel and the Better and the Best and the Paper and the Plastic and the Linux and the Unix and the Center and the Edge and the Blood and the Belief and the Prehistoric and the Postmodern and the Piece and the Mind and the Pepperoni and the Anchovies and the Heat and the Humidity and the Lord and the Rings and the Duke Of Earl and the Ace Of Spades and the Analog and the Digital and the Humdinger To End All Humdingers. (SMX)
Adrian Smith used to make love to the entire human female population of the planet. He decided to give up some 2,000 years ago when he got a little Jewish woman pregnant and his progeny started to spread all sorts of weird ideas. He's still in trouble for it... (Mav)

Book Three: in which High Priest SinisterMinisterX explains our faith to a n00b.

The reason that Adrian Smith is the most superior member of Iron Maiden is because of his awesomely terrible mullet from the 'Seventh Son' era. The sheer hellacious power of this hair can be witnessed in the 'Maiden England' home video, or the shorter video for 'Infinite Dreams' taken from the same concert. This hair indicates that Adrian Smith was simultaneously struck by lightning, slammed by a hurricane and run over by a lawnmower. Obviously, no mere human could withstand such an attack - yet Adrian Smith survived. Furthermore, no mere human would have the cojones to appear publicly with such hair (outside of a Texas trailer park, at least). Yet Adrian Smith did in fact wear this hair in front of thousands of people at many concerts - proof of his superhuman courage.

It is true that the Adrian Smith Mullet From Hell (TM) has now gone the way of the dinosaur. But this is no reason to suspect that Smith's amazing powers have abated. Why, just yesterday I saw him on the news - in the background of a John Kerry speech, lifting a Lincoln Continental over his head just for fun.

The mere presence of Adrian Smith has been known to restore the sight of blind persons in the same room. He never has a problem changing light bulbs in the dark, because his teeth glow with the light of a thousand suns when he smiles. Adrian Smith's guitars have absorbed some of their master's power, and must be therefore be transported in fireproof cases to protect the rest of the band's equipment from sudden outbursts of rabid quantum fluctuations.

Contrary to the surface meaning of the lyrics to "Wasted Years", Adrian Smith actually wrote the song as an allegory of his experiences with time travel. If he had written the truth in plain English, it would have blown our minds - leaving us unable to flip the record over and appreciate his superb solo on SIASL on the second side of the album. To remedy this shortcoming of vinyl and cassete formats, he traveled back in time a few years and invented CDs. This experience inspired the writing of the song "Wasted Years", which led to Adrian's time travelling, which led to writing "Wasted Years", which led to... I must stop before the might of Adrian Smith confuses me completely.

Book Four: the Creed of the Church of H, by Cardinal LooseCannon.

Adrian Smith is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. Adrian Smith has been known to remodel train stations on his lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. Adrian Smith translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, Adrian Smith writes award-winning operas, Adrian Smith manages time efficiently. Occasionally, Adrian Smith treads water for three days in a row. Adrian Smith woos women with my sensuous and godlike guitar playing, Adrian Smith can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and Adrian Smith cooks Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. Adrian Smith is an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Adrian Smith once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Adrian Smith plays bluegrass cello, Adrian Smith was scouted by the Mets, Adrian Smith is the subject of numerous documentaries. When Adrian Smith is bored, he builds large suspension bridges in his yard. Adrian Smith enjoys urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, Adrian Smith repairs electrical appliances free of charge.

Adrian Smith is an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over his original line of corduroy eveningwear. Adrian Smith doesn't perspire. Adrian Smith is a private citizen, yet he receives fan mail. Adrian Smith has been caller number nine and has won the weekend passes. Last summer he toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. Adrian Smith bats .400. His deft floral arrangements have earned him fame in international botany circles. Children trust him.

Adrian Smith can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. Adrian Smith once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. Adrian Smith knows the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.

Adrian Smith has performed several covert operations for the CIA. Adrian Smith sleeps once a week; when he does sleep, he sleeps in a chair. While on vacation in Flordia, Adrian Smith successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to Adrian Smith.

Adrian Smith balances, weaves, dodges, frolics, and his bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, Adrian Smith participates in full-contact origami. Years ago he discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. Adrian Smith has made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. He breeds prizewinning clams. Adrian Smith have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. Adrian Smith has played Hamlet, he has performed open-heart surgery, and he has spoken with Elvis.

Book Five: Apocrypha.

Adrian Smith is watching you.

FEAR THE MULLET!

Last updated 4 Mar 2007

		...a distant voice was heard, saying:
		"I put my piano in the foyer. Then I remembered that I don't have a foyer."
		The Book of SMX, Chapter 35, Verse 638